Friday November 23rd 2018

One of the greatest philosophical dilemmas facing the human race may have been accidentally solved by me this morning. Ever since Pliny the Elder published his opus maximus "Optimum est ad sinistram vel ius aemulantur tosti" - literally translated as - is toast best cut left or right, the great minds of our world have mused on this notion. After spending years thinking about toast, it drove Einstein in 1904 to develop the first faltering steps into his seminal Special Relativity theory in 1905  ( a theory of the structure of spacetime at the breakfast table). But Einstein's last words on his deathbed were "Ich bin toast".... his last thoughts on earth being a failure to answer Pliny's dilemma. The German polymath Friedrich Nietzsche (1844–1900) was initially a proponent of Schopenhauer (a lifetime spent on the maxim - butter or margarine with jam?) whose work into this inadvertently led to the outbreak of the Crimean War. However Nietzsche soon came to disavow Schopenhauer's pessimistic outlook on life and opted himself for Marmite with a green tea. Still the answer remained aloof to those philosophical colossus. 

Discussing this years ago with my backgammon and knitting coach Fitzrovia Clutterbuck we decided that the real question was cut with a knife or tear apart pre-mastication. We spent ours at the Penny Whistle Club in Mayfair toasting and tearing, until we were barred for a fragrant abuse of rule 42a "Members shall not leave crumbs on the whiff-whaff table". After that I lost all interest in this left and right frenzy of thought, until 6am today. Having popped out of the toaster, I accidentally cut one slice of wholemeal vertically. Of course, toast is best cut vertically and also horizontally. Pliny, Einstein, Nietzche and Clutterbuck and everyone else were all looking at this the wrong way. My Eureka moment was not whether left or right which is at stake, and therefore a dominance of dexterous hand in deed and thought, but the act of appeasement in the vertical horizontal plane thrust of a carving implement into and across a wheatgerm slice. It is so simple now I think of it. Religion has done this for years as a sign of the cross. Oh I'm so relieved. I'll sleep easy tonight in the knowledge the world is now a safer place such is the magnificence of my inspirational breakfast. Oh hang on? Butter or margarine with jam.........